Our Handwriting.

18 Aug

Last night I had a little bit of an epiphany. Aren’t we a lot like our handwriting? Or, that could just be me. But think about it. I can write in lots of different ways, my handwriting changes all the time. Sometimes it’s slightly slanted and fancy, all about the looks, sometimes hard to read. Sometimes it’s small and modern looking, like the small print at the bottom of a letter that nobody ever reads. Sometimes it’s big and rounded, bold and bubbly. But, behind all that. When I really don’t care what my handwriting looks like, and I just write, and don’t care. My writing is irregular, neither big nor small but never just one size. Letters change their shape and at times it can be messy. But I write more than I ever normally would when I care about what it looks like. Behind all the different styles and ‘personalities’ there is one type of writing that I always recognize, the writing that you know is yours, that shows you. Think about it now, we can pretend to be people that we’re not, we can stand out or we can shrink small or we can flaunt our glamorous selves. But behind all of that, when we just don’t care what people think or we can’t be bothered to keep it up anymore. There is just us, the normal imperfect us. 

Or, that could just be me sleep thinking.

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I WANT TO STAND OUT.

13 Aug

Okay, so, one problem with living in the UK is it is really hard to stand out in school uniform. I mean yeah if you can afford a really cool bag and really awesome hair cuts and can keep it up and are just loud or really really bubbly and chatty, you’re fine. But at my school, we can’t dye our hair cool colours (which I for one would definitely do) and I have a really bland brown colour hair. And it’s flat, and I can’t really do much with hair and my bag is just…a bag. And I’m quiet, and people don’t strike up conversations with me because they think I won’t keep it up and it’ll be boring. But I really really want to stand out. I want to be seen instead of just being there. I want to be looked up to and looked down to, better than not being looked at at all. And I suppose it can seem a little selfish, to want so much to be acknowledged. Some may call it attention seeking I suppose. But I feel like I’m in a self created bubble, that has grown so thick, caked with years worth of self loathing and worry, and low self esteem. And now, I want so badly to break out of the bubble. Get out of my own little world and wake up to reality. Show the world I am someone. I have a personality. It may be quiet to you, but boy can it be loud. I want to scream really loudly and not feel crippling embarrassment when I do it. I don’t have a lot. And I know I want a lot. But I don’t ask for riches or handsome boyfriends or an iPhone, all I want is to be able to be myself and stand out and show my personality. But I don’t know how to break out of my bubble, I just can’t. I’m so used to being unseen. I’m scared I won’t like it if I get seen. I’ll probably get judged 10x more. And my shy low self esteem self might show itself suddenly and I’ll turn bright red or something. I don’t know. I know what I want, but I’m scared I don’t want it. It’s like Miley Cyrus. She was the Disney girl, innocent and pure and, kinda boring in a sense that she was the same as everyone else. Now, she’s cut her hair and gone blonde and got really really ruthless. She is scared of nothing. She shows her practically naked butt to the whole world and she still looks like she doesn’t give a crap. Why can’t I be like that? No matter how much criticism and judgement I take, I still go and do something stupid, and not worry about what people think. But I just Can’t. 

But I guess that’s just me over thinking again.

Boys Make my Head Hurt.

8 Aug

When I was younger. I thought I knew everything there was to know about boys. That they would ride in on a horse and sweep me off my feet. And that they would be handsome and we’d both like each other, and that he would tell me straight away if he liked me because then we could live forever and eternally in each other’s arms. Oh my was I wrong. And when I found out I just didn’t understand. I mean, Disney movies are the most realistic thing ever right? Boys are just so confusing, and the fact that they find us equally confusing just makes it all ten times worse.
I’m a shy person, and when I like a boy, the most I can do is look at them every now and again to see if they even take notice of me. If I try to talk to them, I end up getting nervous and saying something stupid and then it’s completely and totally unbearably awkward. Just me? The thing with this guy I like though, is that we used to be really close friends, and I told him my crushes and gossiped with him, as though he were a girl but with short hair. But then after he started making fun of me and laughing at me with his friends, but now, he’s stopped again ever since I said he was being mean. He looks at me occasionally but not that much. And my friend said she saw him checking out my butt. Although, she was probably trying to make me feel good and to be honest there isn’t much there to see. He’s just so confusing, it makes my head hurt. And it happens with every boy I like too. One second it seems entirely possible that they feel the same way as you and one second it will never happen ever in a million years. And If they do like you, they won’t tell you unless they’re a cheesy goofball, and there’s nothing wrong with that, they can sometimes be cute, but as it happens, the guy I like is not confident and is not a cheesy goofball.
Either way, I’m completely wasting my time, no matter how he does or does not feel, because out of all the guys that I happen to crush on big time, this one, is a Mormon.

Summer Holidays Suck.

7 Aug

Ever since I was little, I used to be so excited for the summer holidays. I mean, six weeks off? Hallelujah. But now, sat here at home writing this blog, I kind of want to go back to school. Nothing happens in my life, I just sit around and eat stuff. In truth, I am boring. But at school I can at least try to have a social life. And by social life I mean, talking to my best friend about how unlikely it is our crushes like us, and then afterward making a huge deal about them looking at us once, oh my god etc. As sad and soppy as my social life is, believe it or not, It sometimes is better than sitting around slouching. But, It’s comfortable here and I don’t really want to get up, so, I guess I’m staying here for the time being. Also, here in Britain, the weather is so unbelievably crappy. At the last week of school before the holidays, it was like nearly 30 degrees Celsius, and I was sweating out of my eyeballs. It’s probably nothing compared to some places, but us Brits like to complain, its like a comfort food, only it doesn’t make us fat, so let us complain. And then as soon as the holidays start, it rains for a week! What a surprise. And how much homework do you have to give us on a holiday? it’s six weeks not six months, I swear in six weeks at school I get half as much homework than I do in the holidays. What is so special about the holidays? People might actually want to have a holiday? So while I sit here knowing I should probably go and get a new bag and new school shoes, I think I’ll stay here and watch horror movies, indulge in YouTube videos with my cat, eat biscuits and develop a crooked spine.

A New Girl’s Reality.

6 Aug

For me, the first year of high school was actually okay, I still had some of my old friends and yet there were so many new people that I didn’t know, and everyone was interested in what everyone was like, and I didn’t feel invisible. No, I wouldn’t say I was ever invisible as such that year, I mean, maybe I would have been better off, it would have saved me lots of embarrassment and loss of self esteem. I remember on the first day. We were in music and there was this really cute guy, I was just looking around, looking for my fairy tale to appear, as you do. And walking home  discovered he walked the same way as me, and then, instead of breaking off and going with his friends, he told them he was going to walk the other way. Which happened to be the way I was walking down. And thanks to Disney movies this obviously meant that he was madly in love with me and we were going to live happily ever after. And he didn’t really help me decide if that thought was ridiculous or not because he or his friend decided to throw berries at my back until I turned around. They both pointed at each other and I had no idea what to do and it was the end of the world and what If he thought I was weird oh my god oh my god etc. etc. And his attempt to talk to me I have to say deserved a medal, but after me smiling nervously and mumbling my name he asked me if I ever talked. And the best answer I could come up with was ‘Yes…’. Turns out he never liked me and he had a girlfriend, And so began the mass embarrassment and confusion and a lot more thinking. The next year, just as I’d settled in, I had to move all the way to the other side of England. I was excited. Mainly because I thought I had a chance to be cool again. But after actually getting there and it turning out that I was being showed round by a group of very popular girls, once again I hardly spoke, thinking I would blow it or they would think I was a freak. I was fairly known by a lot of people for a while and I was asked out by a lot of people, but surprisingly I only said yes to one guy, who later turned out to break my heart multiple times. After that I just faded into the seas of people. And became just another girl. and now, nearly four years in, I’ve discovered that some people suck and being new doesn’t matter. Once people are over their curiosity and they find out you’re nothing interesting you just begin to be a girl they used to (try to) talk to.

Things I’ve learned through life.

5 Aug

I’ve learned a lot through life. I mostly learned it all when it was too late to use the knowledge but either way I’ve learned a lot. For example, When you have a boyfriend, even if it is your first one, do not throw a fit because he won’t play with you in the playground. Chances are, it won’t go your way and he’s gonna dump you. Clingyness, whether you’re still in primary school or not, is not a good way to go. And another thing, even if you are completely convinced a guy likes you on your first day of high school. Don’t stare at him like a creep, I mean come on, that’s not the best first impression ever. And most of all, that I over think things way too much. I hardly ever talk to people unless they’re my friend and unless they’re my best friend I always find conversations unbelievably awkward. The thing is with me, I’m just too paranoid that people won’t like me, you know me, so I stand there thinking of things to say that’ll sound cool and interesting, and then in that time while I’m thinking of something to break the ice, I over think things and end up not saying anything at all. The truth is I will always be just another girl, that talks really quietly and says ‘um’ a great deal. I blend in and I’m not noticed all that much. I also have frog eyes and I can’t go a year without somebody pointing it out and making a huge hilarious joke about it. Oh, and curling irons are hot, and they will burn your hand.